How I Got Insecure

You know going into this getting to know BF, I had all the confidence in the world that Id be able to make him mine and keep him. Once we got together, I had no worries about other men getting involved because I was secure with me, and my BF relationship. I started falling head over hills for him faster and faster. And I haven't stopped.

In having this relationship, we agreed to get off all apps in dealing with social media, and talking to other guys. Why? Because, why do we need to talk to anyone else in a sexual nature when we have each other? Right?!?

Well, my insecurity came about one afternoon I hopped on his computer to see what kinda porn I could find that maybe I was missing out on when I stumbled onto his other email account filled with him messaging other niggas in  a sexual manner. I WAS DEVASTATED! It hurt me in ways that I thought I could not be hurt by some one that said they loved me! Right then, I had doubts about myself being secure with who I was. And as he promised that he wouldn't do it again, I began to heal little by little, but still having the doubt that was spun by what I saw and for how long this was going on for. BF said, "I promise all apps are deleted, you don't have to worry about me messaging anyone else sexually again". Fast- forward a couple months down the line, I go on his computer again, to find out I have been lied to yet again. Which really set me back, made me suspicious and makes it hard for me to let go.

I hate being hurt. I mean who does? Especially by someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with. To be honest, all I wanted from him was to be straight forward. Thats what I asked from the beginning. How are you going to ask me to do something but not follow through with yourself?

Now I love BF to death, and we got into it, bc he felt it was an invasion of privacy. I told him, Id give him that, but why is it I can be open with you, but you can't be open with me? Tell me about your desires, your wants, your needs without going to a third party for? Like he doesn't know what Id be up for because he won't talk to me about it.

I am, and will always be a TRUE FREAk, and am always down to push my boundaries. Hey I started off as a top, and look at me now, I LOVE TO TAKE ME A GOOD DICK!

All in all, Im working through my issues, having a good support system with my BFF Aurore. She always tells me Im crazy and over exaggerating which allows me to reevaluate what I allow my mind to think about.

In conclusion, I do really love this Man with all my heart. And who ever is reading this, be 100 with your better half! It will turn out great for you if you do. No secrets in a relationship, makes a relationship last that much longer.

Signed,

A broken Leo

I always fantasize about him...

So if you read my other post, you know how sexually frustrated I can get. Tonight I could've gotten the D... But it's funny bc walking into the house, I had already come to terms with not getting the d tonight. LOL but I digress...

My BF wanted the ass, but I told him no... I know, stupid me. But I'm going to tell you why I did it. After cleaning myself out before getting fucked in the ass, it's a whole different feeling! 

1. I ain't gotta worry about excrements on the D after pull out

2. Nice clean entry way to pull into the garage

3. It gives a totally different feeling that I love! 

And 4. Eating the B O O T Y  LIKE GROCERIES!!!! (Yassssssss!!!, I love that shii!!) 

Anyways, as I was saying I refused to give it up. But I gave him some of this throat which I love to do. Smh, I love love L O V E to go down on my BF! He taste so delicious! It's like an addicting flavor of ice cream! I swear baskin robins needs to add him and make it 39 flavors... How many flavors they have now?? but Head is what I love to give among other things... 

But what really gets me is how I fantasize about him. I can be looking at any porn and who pops into my head?? BF! Just the very thought of him brings me to the edge and I bust all over my stomach and chest. Ooop, my dicks wet just thinking about him now...

So let's review, I complain when I don't get sex when I want, but refuse it like I can get it whenever I want it. Wtf is wrong with you LEO! You betta get that shii in next time! Yo BF want it, you bend over and do the ARCH YO BACK CHALLENGE, and W O R K! 

My own BooBooKitty

I met Boo through my bf. She is a beautiful black woman who commands respect and does what ever the FUCK she wants to do. Everytime we are around each other, we keekee about whats been up in life. And for some reason, she always brings the tea that I live for! I love how men are lined up to get a chance to take my Boo out or to spend time with her.

She is what you call a Boss Bitch! She makes her own money, has her on house, and has her own car. She depends on no one and lives by that standard. As strong as a woman she is, she has a big heart and the innate ability to make others feel special! I remember when BF first introduced me to her, she was so cool, and warm that I felt welcomed with open arms. Since then, we have been cool as cucumbers. (Damn I could use a cucumber rt now....)

So Boo is my girl, and my only hope for her is that she finds someone who truly unconditionally loves her, and treats her rt even though she says she doesn't want anyone. But everyone needs someone.

His Ex

I can not stand that my bf is friends with his ex. It drives me up the wall. Like Im loca! like sometimes I feel he does shii disrespectfully on purpose. Cooks my goose. So I see him all up through my bf fb post like bro, Idk y u feel the need to always b around my dude... You had your chance now back the fuck up! Im fucking him now! Boy BYE!

My pet names for him...

So I'm really big on pet names for my significant other. I've always done it and to me it's a sign of endearment. It 1. Puts a smile on their face and 2. Establishes how I feel about them. 

But if I'm mad at my significant other or I feel a specific way about them, they get their government name. LOL, yes. Like the other day I called my boyfriend by his government name and he said wow, that sounds weird when u say my name. And my response was, that's because I don't call you by your name. 

At this present moment I have various names I call my boyfriend. First and foremost, I call him K I N G! To me he is my world and if he wants to rule my world, then by all means do it with a strong hand! ;p ahaha yes baby! SPANK ME KISS ME PULL MY HAIR! (I love it rough!) then going down the line he gets babe, boosky, my love, my heart. 

I swear as much as he makes me mad, I love that mans dirty drawers! 

Best thing ever!!!

https://www.facebook.com/TipsyBartender/videos/988304144570245/

I'd cut a BITCH OFF IN A MILLI SECOND

My Right?

So tonight I see my bf for the first time in about 2 weeks.

Now, I had a key to his house but since his family stayed with him last week I volunteered the key to him for them to use. Then He had a house guess the following week. So naturally, in my head Im thinking I get my key back. Whelp that was a big fat NO! Then he had the audacity to say Im going to hold on to the key for little while. Idk, but the feeling that it gives me is not good. Like wtf, so now I can't come and go as I please. Then it makes me feel like he has something to hide.

Strike 2 on his behalf, I AINT GOT THE D IN 2 WEEKS!!!! How the fuck you going to see me tonight and not give me the DICK! Do you know how many people scope me out, and hit on me but Im LOYAL to one person and thats him! Like its soo frustrating.

My bf used to BLOG and reading some of his blogs, he was seemed like he wanted to please them so much. But me I feel like when he is ready to get it on, then thats when we'll do it. Like REALLY?!?!
Or maybe its all in his head and what he wrote down was how he thought the night went.

Im sexually and mentally frustrated.


Signed,
I NEED DICK.....

We are more than just what they show on T.V.

My Attitude

The hardest thing for me to do is to bury my uncalled for emotions. Sometimes in talking with an individual or my boyfriend, I can get very bitchy! Like I have friend who i just reconnected with and he said I bet you can be caddy can't you.... And to be quite honest, he was absolutely right!

So ALL NIGHT at work I rack my mind with what am I going to say to my boyfriend for not calling me back like he said he would. Or not telling me he made it home safely.... Then It hit me like a sac of potatoes. Stop, Rethink, and Revaluate.

I decided (since I am his alarm clock mon-fri) to call him with a cheerful voice and to not bring up anything negative. Im tired of being negative NANCY and being unhappy. Yes I will dwell on the situation at hand. But to know that I love this man and he I hope loves me, is all I need. Or I should need.

I swear writing this shit out def helps me sort through my feelings... Definitely going to try a more positive outlook on life. And we'll see how he responds.

Speak volumes!

Epic... Simply epic.

Time is Love

I have some pet peeves. One that really gets me, and I don't know how or why my boyfriend does not get it, is that all i ask for really is his time. So Im sitting at home in this heat, a little bored but not complaining. He face times me, talking about oh I need to clean my house, its a mess, but I'm about to slide off this phone in a bit to go to dinner. Im thinking to myself, but you haven't seen me all week, who you going to dinner with? He tells me his best friends forced him into going to go eat some dinner..... Now, theres a couple problems with this. You have not seen me, I would think you truly miss me, you'd want to spend some time with me. and 2 you just said your house is a mess, CLEAN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE!!! Stop neglecting your responsibilities at home!


Guys, I swear I know we all have lives but if you are in a relationship with someone who you care about, you don't need to buy them fact things, wine or dine them... All you need to do is give them your time. Chill with them, hug them, kiss them, sex them. And I swear your mate will be faithful to the end!

A time for me

Being a Leo, I am prown to taking care of my own and not putting me first. I was suppose to go to a birthday party yesterday but I decided that I would not go, and do something for me for a change! Celebrate Me! Celebrate who I am, and where Im going. I ditched my boyfriend to go to West Hollywood and have lunch/dinner with my best friend and a couple other people and to be honest I haven't had that much fun in a while! I really need to start putting myself in line for getting love. We can't go through life and neglect ourselves! Love Thy Self!


Met and talked with several interesting people, and am always looking to meet and have fun with different people! LETS GO!

Emotions

I will not let my emotions depict who I am or who I will transform into. I need to relax, relate, release. Go to sleep and wake up rejuvenated. D O N E... 

A Leo's Love

When a Leo finds that one person they think deserves all their love, they sort of imprint of them. Giving you our love can be dangerous because our expectations tend to be higher, which can be a let down because the person we are in love with is a mere mortal and not a GOD. LOL But none the less our love does not diminish. We kind become a little more down to earth in giving our love, not being over the top. We are still crazy though. Unfortunately that will not change. It takes a special person to handle us. I found my Love. And I must say, is epically patient with me and the bullshit I make up in my head. I ride for him, and will support him in everything he does. That is, until I feel pushed to the back of the line BECAUSE NO LEO LIKES BEING SECOND TO ANYONE OR ANYTHING when we are talking about them being in a relationship with someone.


:::SIGH:::


I hope y'all understand my ramblings. Its a process. Its a moment of how i feel being processed in my head. My Brain sending words to write through my fingers and my fingers typing this mumble jumbo.  LOL :)

A Leos Confidence Level

So as people meet me, their first impression are that I am stuck up and think I'm the Shit! Its because we walk like we are majestic creatures which we are. LOL, but people seem to like me as soon as I open my mouth. Oh Oh Oh, They also think because I don't talk much that I don't like being around them or what not, but what Im doing is watching and listening to my surroundings. Giving much thought on how people are. Anyway getting back to this confidence level. I am really self conscious about my body, because I am an overweight guy and was teased a lot as a kid about being fat! So I never wanted to go swimming without  shirt and what not. I might walk in the room like Im the shit, but that is only to cover up the flaws I feel others look at. I have been working out off and on since 2005, without help and it sometimes hurts that I don't have people in my corner that I know supporting me. I have people who I don't know inspiring me to go on and continue to keep working out. Yes I see results but my confidence level is still low. Im not ugly though... Im a sexy mf! aha Im just trying to enhance that with muscles so my shit won't be like jiggly puff! aha.

Damn That Is A lot of Rambling! OOk long story short, we  exude confidence, but you do not know what we are truly feeling underneath that facade we portray.

To be Hungry, To not be Hungry? That is the question.

So yesterday I was suppose to get dinner made from my boyfriend. But since he was running late, like usual, he said he wanted to make dinner for me tonight.... Why did I just get a phone call from him asking me to push it till tomorrow because he didn't want to short me on my meal. Well to be honest you have shorted me all weekend, so whats another day?! I was looking forward to a nice meal with my baby and I. Im not mad, just disappointed. IM STILL HUNGRY!!! ahaha but what am I going to do?

Waiting Game

If anyone knows me, they know I am punctual. So my dude tells me he wants to cook dinner for me. Im like oh that's whats up. Sure I'll be surprised. I tell him that I will be over in the evening. And to me evening is after 5pm.... Its damn near 6pm, and I came here hungry looking for a good meal. But Im not allowed to be annoyed right? To come to the house, and he isn't here, no sweet aromas of his culinary arts. So what time does he plan on feeding me dinner? 9pm? Ahaha... SMH, I guess these cherries and water are gonna have to do. Where is he at? Well at 1 he said he was going to Brunch with friends. IM HUNGRY!!!!!!!! Ok, Im done.

UPDATE: So he sends me a text message saying that he should be home by 8pm. And you still have to cook?!? And Im suppose to wait till then? HA! FUCK THAT!

UPDATE UPDATE: so as my dude walks in he goes in sorry for running late. I go it's ok babe, and he goes no it's not ok. sssooooooo, of its not ok why continue to do it? Lol so we sat there talking and just enjoying each other's company, until it was time for me to go to work. I swear he makes me mad, but I love that MAN! My chocolate dripdrop! 

Color Me

I today am proud to say that I AM BLACK! For the longest time I had an issue with being black, I was not comfortable in my own skin. When people look at me they see this Brown Man with a strong red undertone, and "nice grade of hair" and say "what is your mix". Never would I say Im black first. It was alway, "Im native indian, Irish, and black" saving black for last because I wanted to be black the least. Growing up in the Ghetto streets of Los Angeles, I attributed being black to being hookers, drug dealers, loud, obnoxious individuals. A people that I did not want to be apart of. It went so far as I was not even attracted to African American's. They had to either be mixed or white. This I struggled with for the better portion of my life. Yes, I knew there were people in the black community who were not what was portrayed in my hood, but it was hard to look past it. At the age of 26, I was on the verge to coming to terms that BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL! At 27, I met a gorgeous Black female who became my girlfriend for a year, and then began dating a Black man who really opened my eyes to another world of blackness. Today, when people ask me what my race is, I say proudly, " I AM BLACK"! To finally be at peace with myself is a wonderful feeling! I except my COLOR!

Why I Blog

I have a rage in me that sometimes I feel can not be contained. So what better way than to write how Im feeling so that I can get pass my issues.

In love

So my previous blog was not totally accurate. I have found someone that I love. Let me start off where it all began. I was dating this girl from 2013-2014. I loved her and she was my world, and I would have never thought I would fall in love with a black woman. (That is another story for a different time) I loved her! But things started to change for me when some words came out of her mouth saying I don't have a problem with gay people I love them actually but what they do is nasty. Now I do not consider myself gay, but I do like both sex. Now, I wanted to give her all of me, but I couldn't tell her after that statement so I started to pull away from her till she dumped me. But in the mean time I was cheating on her and having sex with men during this pulling back moment. And In the process, I started talking to this wonderful man. He, I did not have sex with because I really was digging him. So once me and my ex broke up, I knew what I wanted and went for him. With him, I could be honest, tell him how I felt inside and not feel like he would judge me. I learned more about myself and he pushed me to be a better individual! With him I am madly, completely in love. Some times if I don't see him I get sick because I miss him. But when he ask me whats wrong, I tell him just an upset stomach. ahah Little does he know its love pains....

Alone with my thoughts

Its funny how a leo can give and give but the minute we stop giving, thats when people show that they aren't for us. Im a giver, I'll give till Im drained and really feel I get nothing in return. Don't get me wrong, Im not expecting anything in return but it would be nice to have one do for you. The last relationship I was in I was a doer, but when did she ride for me? She didn't which led to me pushing her away. I swear, can I find someone who appreciates me and loves me unconditionally? I wanna be the first thing on your mind and the last thing you think of. I want to walk through and through your dreams... SMH, Did i mention I'm a hopeless romantic?  FML