How I Got Insecure

You know going into this getting to know BF, I had all the confidence in the world that Id be able to make him mine and keep him. Once we got together, I had no worries about other men getting involved because I was secure with me, and my BF relationship. I started falling head over hills for him faster and faster. And I haven't stopped.

In having this relationship, we agreed to get off all apps in dealing with social media, and talking to other guys. Why? Because, why do we need to talk to anyone else in a sexual nature when we have each other? Right?!?

Well, my insecurity came about one afternoon I hopped on his computer to see what kinda porn I could find that maybe I was missing out on when I stumbled onto his other email account filled with him messaging other niggas in  a sexual manner. I WAS DEVASTATED! It hurt me in ways that I thought I could not be hurt by some one that said they loved me! Right then, I had doubts about myself being secure with who I was. And as he promised that he wouldn't do it again, I began to heal little by little, but still having the doubt that was spun by what I saw and for how long this was going on for. BF said, "I promise all apps are deleted, you don't have to worry about me messaging anyone else sexually again". Fast- forward a couple months down the line, I go on his computer again, to find out I have been lied to yet again. Which really set me back, made me suspicious and makes it hard for me to let go.

I hate being hurt. I mean who does? Especially by someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with. To be honest, all I wanted from him was to be straight forward. Thats what I asked from the beginning. How are you going to ask me to do something but not follow through with yourself?

Now I love BF to death, and we got into it, bc he felt it was an invasion of privacy. I told him, Id give him that, but why is it I can be open with you, but you can't be open with me? Tell me about your desires, your wants, your needs without going to a third party for? Like he doesn't know what Id be up for because he won't talk to me about it.

I am, and will always be a TRUE FREAk, and am always down to push my boundaries. Hey I started off as a top, and look at me now, I LOVE TO TAKE ME A GOOD DICK!

All in all, Im working through my issues, having a good support system with my BFF Aurore. She always tells me Im crazy and over exaggerating which allows me to reevaluate what I allow my mind to think about.

In conclusion, I do really love this Man with all my heart. And who ever is reading this, be 100 with your better half! It will turn out great for you if you do. No secrets in a relationship, makes a relationship last that much longer.

Signed,

A broken Leo